Sometimes a Wife: The unMarriage of Convenience

All my life, I've always accepted love that wasn't good enough.  Love that broke me down, and left me questioning myself.  Constantly asking myself, "what was wrong with me?". My relationships always ended with me being the problem.  Me not knowing how to be in a relationship.  I never quite understood where I failed cause I tried everything.  I just never knew why I wasn't good enough.

I can remember the end of my last relationship like it was yesterday.  It's been months since he kicked me out, and yet I still cry.  I really thought he was the one.  He used to teach me things such as cooking, introducing me to books such as Rich Dad, Poor Dad, and the amazing Dave Ramsey.  I trusted him with my heart.  I trusted that if our relationship ever fell apart, we'd still find a way to be amicable as we have a child together.  Yet, that didn't happen.

A few days prior, he was trying to convince me that working full-time wasn't right.  I had left my part time job a few months before for the chance at a career.  Even though we had a child, I knew it was in her best interest for me to work toward something with more money that I actually enjoyed.  If you had free child care, wouldn't you try your best to get your finances in order?  I have credit card debt, and student loans.  I needed to plan for her future as well as mine.

His issues with my full time job was that it took more time away from our child.  When he asked me to stop working overtime, I obliged.  It just wasn't good enough for him.  He wanted me to quit.  He wanted me to find something part time.  I had fully thought about our daughter when I took the job.  We both had different days off, so she'd only need care 2 days out of the week.  If he had asked me to quit my old job, I would have done it without hesitation because I was unhappy.  I had been suffering with migraines, anxiety, and insomnia on and off for a few years.  In my old job,  I felt trapped with no chance of growth, and in desperate need of a change.  I wanted a chance to use my bachelor's degree.  I wanted to say I didn't incur all this debt for nothing.

While I understand why he didn't want me working full time, I also needed him to understand that I was finally happy.  My insomnia was gone.  I no longer suffered from migraines.  I finally felt like my life was taking shape.  It was going to be hard for me to give up this job as I felt unwanted in our home.  It was to the point that he rolled his eyes, slept on the couch, rejected my kisses, etc.  Why give up an opportunity for someone who strung the hint of marriage around.  From wanting to get married after paying off his taxes to "it takes a lot to be a wife".  How could he dismiss all that I did for him, and our child?  Why was I not good enough?  Why was it only acceptable to call me a wife when you needed my credit card to get repairs on a car you sprung on me?  Why call me a wife to your family members if it takes so much to be a wife?

Why would you want me to continue to give you husband privileges if I am not good enough to be your wife? 

What example of a "man" are you showing our child?